tuning strings, tapping in
how to lead yourself:
1. develop a relationship with your intuition
2. have the courage to follow its guidance
- yung pueblo
Happy New Year from Moriah, and The Sky Inside. If you've just recently subscribed, I am so, so, delighted that you did. Your presence is not just another name on my list — you actually feel like an integral part of this little place on the internet that I'm trying to bring to life. (And if you haven't yet subscribed, please do!)
I know the New Year is arbitrary in a lot of ways, but I've definitely been tuning into the shift over the past month, of things turning and churning, of life getting rearranged and opened up in some way. Perhaps this is about me tapping more deeply into my life's work, which includes writing, being a mother, and desiring very much to be living through creative purpose and design. I also know that I am a woman that is very human, prone to overwhelm, mistakes, boredom, sadness and getting "stuck", and I need to find ways to feel fully alive, embodied, and connected, early and often.
My parents have been life-long political activists, as well as being intellectuals, artistic, and avidly active, so I grew up in a home where there was always an abundance of energy and action taking place. In a lot of ways, it was an exciting childhood — there was always one adventure or another to be had, and we were on the scent of them.
In other ways though, this environment was overwhelming for a creative, sensitive, little person like me to be able to find my way, and my place inside of it all. I longed for the afternoons when things had calmed down a bit, longed for somewhere to be lost in my own thoughts, letting things unfold; longed for naps and nature and baths, time to just notice the play of light, of words, of connection. I loved the action, but I also was interested in the subtler, softer edges that only appeared sometimes when everyone was quiet, or when there was more time and space for us to just be.
There were a lot of strong, vibrant personalities in the room all the time, so for whatever reason, I felt like it was my role to hold all the pieces of it together in some way, to be able to translate the themes going on for everyone, to help everyone connect with each other so no would would get swept away in the madness and excitement. There were times when things verged on being unhinged — the colorful backdrop had it's dark edges sometimes — and for whatever reason, I knew my presence helped ground and root my family back into their selves.
It was a rich childhood, and it also was very difficult to be able to hold onto and express my own true self. I know this is a dilemma for many gifted children, and I'll assume if you're reading this, you may very well have been (and still be) one of them on the inside. Healing comes in many forms, and creativity and writing has been essential for me this last run.
That's why after I had Evie, and then got swept under with an autoimmune illness in 2017, I knew there wasn't really turning back on myself anymore. I'll always be someone who is sensitive, empathic, feels my way through things, and naturally helps people feel more grounded and centered. And I'm definitely a girl that loves to be swept up in the energy and action. But I also know that moving forward, I have to infuse more of my true voice and myself into my life, use my gifts, and bring them into the world and the light. I have to reclaim something inside myself that is powerful and fierce, but is also soft, supple, nurturing, and needing of nurturance. I know I need to create a practice that will be both a container for myself, and a place other people will come to discover more of their self.
I know this little website isn't just one thing or subject yet — I'm sure you've noticed I write about a broad range of things from motherhood, to creativity, to my parents and friends, to living in a renovated barn with my family just outside of Asheville, NC. I like taking pictures, I like writing poetry, I like writing about being a mom, and sexuality, and self-growth, and the broader political spectrum and sometimes I do it all at once. But, I think the only way for it to come together is to just start doing it, so here we are.
Anyway, I'm starting the New Year with a practice of writing every day. Just for the record, I'm not someone who likes rules and pressure to do things. I hate resolutions, I don't really have much willpower in the end, and I like to change things up a lot. Even things I love to do like write and create feel like "work" sometimes, and that has always has backfired on me. But I do love the idea of staying with a personal practice as a way to stay in my vision, my body, my beauty, and my rhythm, and I'd love you to follow along. Maybe you'll feel inspired, too.
I'm going to be posting little clips of writing and photos here and over on my instagram account (I'm going for every day or two, and then a weekly round up of my writing and pictures on the blog).
I'm not sure what will become of it — how do we ever know when we take risks with our heart? But I'd like to use the themes, words, and photos that come up as the foundation for longer pieces of writing to explore and flush out this year.
Come along, and maybe you'll start to create your vision, your self, your light and life this year, too.
Bringing you to life and love,
theme: the ice breakers
I love the shadows I love the light I love the blue full moon in cancer on New Year's Day I love being a mom I love banana pancakes and bacon I love coffee I love making love I love women I love feeling into things I love words I like Xmas lights strung up all year long I like getting high I love when I have a dream about someone and then that person writes me in the morning I love music I like camping and getting dirty and smelling like fires I like it when it's really cold outside and really warm inside I like boys I like having long hair and never brushing it and then putting it in a messy bun and looking fine I like painting my nails I blowing out the candles I like tight jeans i like having curves I love boots I love getting sad because it means something real exists I love writing I like sweets and sours I like taking it slow I love swimming and laughing and being a girl and when i'm angry I sometimes blow my cool and then regret it I'm alive happy new year
I love prisms in the sunlight, I love the chimes bumping against each other on a blazing, cold winter night
I love silky things and pots of succulents on the stool in the kitchen I love how dramatically blue the sky is sometimes in January
I love when I can't resist you any longer
I love clementines and whiskey I love being fierce even when I'm scared I love opening up into spaces with people I love my parents wood burning sauna and how it sounds like the inside of a whale, or being inside a night ship in the middle of the ocean I love dreaming about you
I love wearing slips and nothing else underneath I love wearing pin- striped overalls and passion-flower colored tanks and black-and-white Chuck Taylor's I love waking up beside Evie when she has a night fright and comes into bed with us I love how she loves ice cream swirled just right and eats the cookie dough I love how she loves La Luna and how she tilts her head up to find it in the sky I love when she dances with Mason I love trampolines I love sparkly nights that just happen
I love limerance I hate being told what to do I want things on my own terms I want the wind and the chimes together like me and you
I like bubbly water with limes and real licorice I like listening to your pulses I love chamomile lavender tea with honey I love gin
I miss Evie sleeping on my chest I love the way her chest rises and falls I love slipping away without telling anyone I like pasta made with spaghetti squash
I like coveralls on boys I like beards I like when guys smoke I like getting lost I like getting what I want I like being someone someone wants I like secret lives I like having you all to myself
I miss the summer rainstorms in the winter I miss the ice-laced windows in the summer I love being underneath you I love making love in hotels I like towels fresh from the dryer and rainbows that slice the world in two I love connecting on the deeper level I love silence after we've said everything I wonder if we've said everything there is to say.