t's been a hard couple weeks.
I know like so many of us, I'm struggling with how to express the depth to which it's shaken me, and so many people I care for. My family. My community. The whole country/the world. It's all right on the surface, and that's painful. Shadows everywhere.
There's a lot of people hurting any way you spin it. And for me, that means coming up hard that I really may not understand a lot of the things I took for granted a few weeks ago, while really wanting to understand in a much deeper, more human way: to listen more than speak, but also to speak out, to be the fierceness in the face of injustice. And I'm a mother, which just pushes that tenderness and that bone-cold desire to keep her and myself safe & whole.
Physically safe, yes of course, but also, I want her to know she's safe to BE in this world. She's free to love and receive love. She deserves compassion, and deserves to give it. She deserves to grow up into a girl, and then a woman knowing her body and mind and spirit are the most incredible sources of spirit and rebellion and safety. She deserves protection, and to be able to give that back to others, as well. I want that for her, and I want that for myself, and I want for you.
She's almost a year and a half. She only has a little more time before she starts to tune into some of this real, real worldstuff. What do I do with that?
EV came back from spending some time with her grandfather this weekend saying the word "shadow", ("shaaaaa-d-oooooooo"). Blew my mind. Really saying it and knowing it. Like she somehow gets how magical shadows actually are, all the play of light and dark. The wonder of seeing those contrasts come alive. Our bodies intercepting the sunshine thrown upon the ground. All that wild darkness that surrounds all this enigmatic light.
Shadows are the seat of almost all creative acts in the world, so I KNOW we will birth some pretty beautiful visions from all this mess, (because you know, chaos and creation usually meet each other in that place), but it's not ever so easy. Revolution isn't easy. Being brave, when it really means something, isn't easy.
We have been here before. History repeats itself. But whew, it's really taking my breath away, this intensely dark and liminal pace in which we find ourselves. It's heavy: all this love and despair. all these shadows on the wall.
Homework: go find some shadows, and just be with that. Whatever comes out of this time, it won't be one side wins. Yes, I hope we bend towards the light. But this darkness has something to show us. Whatever comes next, it will be working within this shadows realm to discover and push forth a new kind of vision that hold both these side in balance.